Reanna

It's raining

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 07:23:03 GMT

So it's been a half an hour after she said she'd call.. I'm hoping she still will. I love talking to her.
I can't believe it's raining outside right now. It never rains here.. It was so hot today and now it's raining? It's like almost 80 degrees outside right now. Tropical weather kind of scares me here in Santa Barbara, because it's not normaly like that.. Change scares me a lot. I'm glad to see that Cynthia is happy. A lot happier it seems than when she was with me. I guess change was a good thing for her. I just wish I knew what I did that seemed to make her hate me. Oh well...

I need to sell my tv and get to Seattle...
I want to talk so much we fill our ash treys two times over, and then start our conversation.
callllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
haha blah <3 I'll update more later.

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 11:25:04 GMT

all apologies for driving you away with all of my negativity

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 11:14:09 GMT

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same oh

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't oh oh oh oh oh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now your gone
Now your gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now your gone
Now your gone
There you go
There you go
Somehow you're not coming back

I miss you

..

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 20:45:41 GMT

Okay well I think that she's avoiding me. Doesn't want me in her life anymore..at all. I tried to talk to her last night on AIM and she ignored me. It's almost like either I did something wrong.. which I don't think I did, but maybe? Or she's just avoiding me because she's over it and wishes she would have done it sooner. I'm guessing choice two. blah.
Someone take me out to parties or something.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 11:13:58 GMT

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

btw

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 12:16:43 GMT

baby, i love you. you have never done anything to make me upset. I am just sad at the situation and i miss you and i wish we were closer. ill see you tomorrow

So..

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 12:11:43 GMT

So she's just gorgeous... in love and close distance to my gf. Why should I be worried... I know that she loves me. That's not the problem, the problem is.. I really have a hard time believing that someone could love be.. be in love with me. Want me. I have a problem thinking I deserve someone's love and that it's just going to run out shortly.I should expect others to try to get with her. She's gorgeous. She's so beautiful my own friends stare right in front of me, and I don't blame them. I'm proud to walk with her, but it still makes me feel insecure.. because I don't resent her for being more beautiful than I am... It will just take me some time to acept that someone that looks like her, acts like her, thinks like her, is her could want someone so below her. Im not trying to put myself down. She's going to kill me when she reads this... and I don't mean to put her anywhere with this entry.I just feel as if I will always adore her..It scares me, I think about her...and I just know she'll always be on my pedistool. I love her so much..as expected but that's okay, because she's worth every fucking second. Ew I know it sounds so corny, but thats just how I feel right now. Always. Im not worried because I don't trust her. I'm worried because I hate myself. She tries to make me feel equal. I feel equal as in I'm a person, and every person is their own, strong and independant. I just think she's better than me =)

fin.

5:11 PM and still no job.

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 00:21:58 GMT

So I told myself I'd get a job today. Who knows, maybe out of the interviews I did, I did get one.. but until I actually get that call back, I am yet again, another failure for today. I don't think not having a job is a bad thing for people who go to school, or who do other productive things with their time..but for me, not having a job is the worst thing for me. I get bored, and frustrated. I feel lazy, lethargic and worthless. I start to get depressed, and sleep too much or not at all. I see the cycle I'm falling in. I'm trying really hard to not slip into it this time. I have other forms of motivation in my life, that I don't want to let down. Myself included. I need to move out, I need to get shit together. How often have I said that though.. Ugh, this time I really hope shit's different.
I think I make things hard on myself in general,but for some reason lately I've been making everything good in my life a constant fight. I'm pushing good things away. I just can't handle happiness or what? I need a new atmosphere. I need new influences in my enviroment.
I miss my girlfriend. A lot. I hate making her feel bad for my constant bitterness. She says she can take it, that she knows it'll pass... and god i hope so. I hate being all insecure and scared. I hate being so unfair to her. Even if I do get hurt, it was all worth one night with her. I mean it, so why can't I just impliment that? She thinks time, I hope she's right. I think I need to move.
Things aroung Carp have changed a lot. Maybe it's me or them or all of us, but everyone is a different person lately. We might be just sick of eachother, or people are starting to fuck the sugarcoating of Carp and get more blunt. I think I like it, because I feel like shit is more in the open. Like nothings hidden, people are starting to tell the people they don't like, that they don't like them.. I feel like it's starting to get more real here...but the thing about Carpinteria, is it's not supposed to be this real. People here live by a code of life, which is to be laidback, mellow... yet there is more drama here than any other place I've ever lived because of the fact that it's so small.. It's not meshing well.
Anyway, I think I'm done bitching now.

Haha, sorry, ciao.

So

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 06:25:59 GMT

I got to actually tattoo someone today. It was intereting. It looked more painful than when I actually get mine done. It's almost a little gory having to sit there and watch the skin tear and the blood... It's weird. I don't know, I'll have to get used to it. I never thought it'd bother me though.

So she's acting a little distant.. I understand it's been a stressful week.. I just wish I could help. I don't think she wants to talk to me though because she hasn't called me back.. we'll see. Hopefully she'll call me when she wants to talk. I don't want to bring her down. I feel bad because her cell phone bill is going to cost her some more money.. because of me. A lot of bad things seem to happen to her because of me. I hope she did well on her finals. I'm sure she did. She's so fucking smart it's unbelievable.

Okay well time to get back to my important game of bust a move but it's about that time. Babe, if you would rather me not post stuff about you I'm sorry.. but dont worry, the only few people that have this journal name are like, select few. love u

Entry one..

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 06:04:46 GMT

So I've had my old journal, username reanna for a long long time now. Lots of feelings from spur of the moment activities, lots of fighting, complaining, etc etc. Time for a whole new chapter in my life. Time for a new journal. Starting over is always a fresh begining, I'm looking forward to the memories I will post.

I love you Cynthia.